


Birds, Bees and Adoptees

by MeanderingMotivation



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Condoms, Embarrassment, Exasperated Yuuri, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Happy Ending, Ice Skating, Inappropriate Humor, LUBE IS EVERYTHING, M/M, Otabek is a patient angel, Otabek is present, Post-Series, Sexual Humor, Skating Dads, The Talk, Victor and Yuuri act like Yuri's awkward parents, Victor gives Yuri 'The Talk', Victor is Overprotective, Yuri Plisetsky is so extra, Yuri's Exhibition, birds and the bees
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 13:16:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10594776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeanderingMotivation/pseuds/MeanderingMotivation
Summary: Victor and Yuuri attend Yuri’s exhibition skate only to be totally shocked by his flawless (and somewhat sexual) duo with Otabek. This triggers a series of events which lead to the two sitting in a restaurant, receiving ‘The Talk’ from Victor whilst Yuuri dies of second-hand embarrassment."Now, repeat after me, I find repetition is beneficial for remembering things, LUBE IS EVERYTHING.”His raised voice made Yuuri wince, and he elbowed him sharply. “Victor. Shush.”Fearing the man would repeat himself in a louder pitch, the two teenagers whispered “Lube is everything.”“Louder. Enunciate clearer.”“Lube is everything.”“One more time.”“Lube is everything!”





	

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooooo guess who just saw the teaser for Yuri's exhibition on Tumblr!?
> 
> (Spoiler alert: It's me!)
> 
> It looks so amazing! This short story is literally the product of me fan-girling and typing after consuming an unholy amount of coffee. 
> 
> It's not meant to be really serious, or anything. Just a fluffy, funny little one-shot when I should be working on other things. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

 

 

* * *

 

 

Victor and Yuuri didn’t know why Yuri was hesitant to invite them to his exhibition performance. Practically _everyone_ was going to be there, and although JJ had made a teasing comment about his skating not being appropriate for ‘Mom and Dad’ (mocking titles they had been given after their proud behaviour every time Yuri performed) they had still seen fit to go, curious about why everyone was so reluctant to have them present. Even Yakov had scrunched up his face upon seeing the two enter the building.

_(“He choreographed most of this independently.”)_ The man had forewarned, a pucker between his eyebrows. When Victor had seemed impressed, the older Russian had shaken his head. _(“I didn’t particularly like what he came up with. It…challenges his image.”)_

_(“I’m sure Yura will be fine!”)_ Victor had chirped, ever the optimist. _(“He’s learnt from the best, after all!”)_

_(“Vitya-“)_ But then Victor had seized Yuuri’s hand, yanking him further into the arena, chatting contently about how _proud_ he was of ‘their’ Yuri.

**_Their_** Yuri. The first time Victor had referred to Yuri in that manner, the Japanese man had choked on his tea. He’d hacked violently, eyes watering as he tried to process what Victor was insinuating. **_Their_** Yuri, like what everyone had been saying was actually true…

That they were playing **_house._**

“Hi Dads!” Phichit greeted brightly upon spotting the two take their front-row seats. The Thai male was still dressed in his costume, having performed earlier that day.

Yuuri had wanted to watch, but he’d had other duties to attend to, unfortunately. Just because he was a silver medallist of the Grand Prix, it didn’t mean he could shirk his responsibilities as a _regular_ human being. Not to mention, venturing outside after the press conference had become difficult. The paparazzi were following him and Victor _everywhere._ “Please don’t call us that.” Yuuri beseeched, uncomfortable with the stares he and Victor were receiving. Most of them amused, might he add.

“But you are Dads!” Phichit went on, walking towards them with a beam. “Skating Dads!”

Victor laughed, and accepted Phichit’s embrace. “How did you skate?” He questioned, in a coaching manner. Yuuri thought it might be hard for Victor to adapt to competitive skating over the next year...

“Excellent! Coach said I nailed my performance!” Phichit told happily. “You two better watch out, next year I’m taking out the Grand Prix!”

Victor pulled away, and his smile had turned a little sharper. “I look forward to competing against you.”

Scratch that. Victor was _totally_ prepared for competing. His previous disenchantment with the sport had been replaced by vigour and excitement. He would be _amazing_ to watch. No doubt he would be taking back any records he had lost. Yuuri and Yurio would have their work cut out for them with the man returning from his brief stint of retirement.

_Speaking of Yurio…_

Yuuri noticed that the lights were dimming, and the spectators were beginning to sit back down. The teen’s name had just been announced through the speakers, in a few languages to cater for the mixed crowd. _“THIS YEAR’S GOLD MEDAL WINNER YURI PLISETSKY_ _WILL NOW SKATE IN HIS FIRST EXHIBITION IN HIS NEW AGE DIVISION. HIS CHOSEN SONG IS ‘WELCOME TO THE MADNESS’ AND HIS ROUTINE WAS CHOREGRAPHED BY HIMSELF, AND FELLOW COMPETITOR OTABEK ALTIN OF KAZAKHSTAN.”_

There was a loud round of applause and cheering, and although Yuuri and Victor would usually be some of the most vocal, they were exchanging confused looks. “Otabek Altin?” Victor repeated in confusion. “I knew Yuri liked him, but I never thought he’d collaborate on a routine with him.” There was a slight frown on his face, and Yuuri could tell the man was jealous. Despite his cheerful attitude, Victor fell prey to the dreaded ‘green monster’ more often than he would readily admit. _Especially_ when it concerned his boyfriend or childhood friend. His protective instincts were both endearing _and_ a little irksome.

Before Yuuri could reply, Yurio was stepping onto the ice, and a hush went through the crowd. He pressed a finger to his lips, and Victor obediently fell silent, not wanting to ruin the expectant atmosphere. The two men had yet to spot the younger Russian (having been too preoccupied speaking with Phichit, who was now sitting beside them) but when he fluidly skated across the rink, their eyes widened to the size of saucers, and their mouths dropped.

Unable to help himself, Victor hissed “What is he _wearing_?”

Yuuri was too miffed to respond, eyes taking in the outfit that was so contrary to what the boy usually wore. Yuri always looked so elegant and innocent, but in that costume…

“He looks amazing, doesn’t he?” Phichit responded, not quite comprehending that the question wasn’t directed at him. “I saw him having makeup applied as well, his eyes are really smoky. He looks _way_ older than he actually is.”

Yuuri was inclined to agree, as the Russian teen took up his position. He was carrying himself with a certain rebellious confidence, the same kind that he usually showed off the ice. But there was something else, something vaguely…

“Look at those pants,” Victor went on, flabbergasted. “They’re so _tight._ ”

Sexual. There was something vaguely _sexual_ about Yuri’s costume. And, as Yuuri would learn as he sat watching in stunned silence, about his _routine._

From the moment he tossed off his jacket, revealing the flimsy shirt beneath (and then commencing to show the flat planes of his stomach as he impressively performed the energetic routine) Victor was visibly seething, eyes narrowed and arms crossed against his chest. His earlier enthusiasm had melted away in his displeasure, and when Otabek seemingly appeared from nowhere, flying across the ice to join Yuri in a surprise duet, the man was clearly prepared to march across the ice, grab Yuri by the scruff, and drag him back to his hotel room for a thorough scolding. Yuuri caught Victor’s hand before he could attempt such a thing, and listened tensely as the man murmured his displeasure for the rest of the routine. Most of what he said consisted of “Too young” and “Upstart brat.”

This was far from what the two men had been expecting, and Yuuri realised why Yakov had tried to forewarn them. He _knew_ Victor would behave like this. The man was ridiculously overprotective when it came to those he cared about. And since Yuri was still a fifteen year old kid (who currently resembled more of a petite man of eighteen) the man’s instincts were on overdrive.

And although Yuuri knew it was hypocritical of Victor to be worked up about something the man had _clearly_ done himself in the past, he couldn’t help but feel a little annoyed as well. Throughout the year he’d come to really care about Yurio, and he didn’t like the way he was practically _sexualising_ himself around another boy.

He was immensely relieved when the routine ended, and forced himself to clap shortly. Phichit was hooting in approval of the (admittedly amazing) performance, but Victor refused to bring his hands together once, glowering at the pair who were currently linking arms on the ice. How **_dare_** that Altin boy touch **_their_** Yuri? The deviant little bastard…

The stadium practically reverberated from all of the applause and cheering, and it was several long minutes before it quietened down enough for the next athletes to skate. Rather abruptly, Victor stood from his seat, grabbing Yuuri’s hand and dragging him in the direction of the changing rooms, where Yuri would be removing his costume.

“We will be talking about this.” Victor enunciated firmly. “ _Da,_ we will.”

Yuuri could only sigh. So much for a relaxing evening. He doubted Yuri would want to join them for dinner after _this_ interaction.

 

* * *

 

 

“Otabek was a little hesitant at first, but after a little pestering he decided to give in.” Yuri was speaking in fluent English, sitting on the bench beside said boy. The pair were removing their skates, exchanging triumphant grins whenever their eyes met.

At least Yuuri _thought_ Otabek was grinning. The boy was always so stoic, it was hard to tell for certain what expression he was making.

“After the crowd went crazy for _your_ lame, lovey dovey duet, I wanted to do something cooler.” He went on, either not noticing Victor’s fuming expression, or not caring. “And since I hate every other bastard here, I chose Otabek to be my partner.”

Otabek nodded in confirmation. “Yes. Then we came up with the routine together.”

“And who designed the costume?” Victor near demanded.

“Neither.” The two boys said in unison.

“I had an idea in my head,” Yuri kept explaining. “But I couldn’t put it on paper. So I asked Mila to help me make it. She’s good at sewing and shit.”

“Watch your language.” Victor snapped, uncharacteristically stern.

Yuri flushed at the berating, and Otabek raised his eyebrows in mild surprise. “Excuse me?” Yuri snarled in indignation. He didn’t want for a reply, before continuing in anger. “I’m not some little kid! You can’t scold me like one!”

“Victor-“ Yuuri made to caution, when Victor’s jaw clenched. However, he was too late.

“No amount of sludge on your face will change the fact you’re a fifteen year old minor! I can lecture you all I want!”

It wasn’t the right thing to say. Yuri was fiery on the best of days, and with Victor outright antagonising him (around Otabek, no less) he was bound to explode in a spectacularly vivid manner.

“Double standards, much!?” Yuri stood from his seat. Unfortunately, his diminutive height did not make him appear very imposing. His cold eyes, however, were icier than Siberia. “You’ve performed routines like this before! AND worn makeup! You have no right to take the moral high-ground!”

Confronted with such honesty, Victor resorted to saying something that would only rile Yuri up _more._ “What would your grandfather say!?”

Picking up one of his discarded skates, Yuri threw it just shy of Victor’s face, the blade nearly clipping the side of his right ear. “That’s none of your _fucking business_ , you **_asshole._** You aren’t my coach, you aren’t my father, and you _definitely_ aren’t my friend! Now get out before I call security! You don’t have a pass to be back here today!”

“Oh, go ahead and try, you little-“

“Enough.” Yuuri intoned suddenly, and he squeezed Victor’s hand hard. “You’re going to make a scene, Victor. The last thing we need is reporters swarming around trying to exploit this argument. It will be bad for _everyone’s_ reputation.” His eyes lingered pointedly on Otabek, who was spectating in silence, unsure of how to react. 

Yuri followed his glare, and fell silent for a moment, taking deep breaths to try and compose himself. After a minute or so, he looked up, expression stony. “I thought you’d be happy I was acting so independently with my routine.” He said, inflectionless. “Otabek worked **_really_** hard on this. I should have known you’d act like an idiot, Victor. You never could stand being upstaged.”

“That isn’t what this is about.” Victor denied instantly. “I’m only trying to look out for you.”

“Well, I’d prefer if you ignored me once more, thanks.” Yuri countered coldly. “Go back to focusing on Katsuki and forgetting about me.”

Oh. Yuuri thought, with realisation. _Oh._

It seems Yuri had a jealous streak as well.

Well, Yuuri couldn’t just let this argument fester. If they left things as they were, Yuri and Victor would only stew more, and grow more resentful. It needed to be resolved. **_Now._** Otherwise they’d be at one another’s throats every time they met. Which, Yuuri knew from personal experience, wasn’t pleasant _at all._

They also needed to appease Victor’s overprotective streak, otherwise he’d interfere with Yuri’s life. To do this, Yuuri knew they’d have to _compromise._ Yuri was right when he’d said Victor was being a hypocrite, but still, the boy needed to know about sexual relationships. From what Yuuri had gathered, his grandfather didn’t see him often, which meant this important duty fell to either Yakov (who would likely have no idea what to say) or _Victor._ They could always ask someone like JJ or Christophe to fulfil the role, but who knew what those men would say…

No. It needed to be _them._

Because despite Yuuri’s aversion to what Phichit had said…

They were the closet thing Yurio had to fathers.

“So, who’s hungry?” Yuuri exclaimed, as optimistically as he could manage. Victor and Yuri stared at him as if he was from a completely different planet, and he cleared his throat. “Well _I’m_ hungry.”

“No surprises there.” Yuri muttered, but Yuuri ignored his comment.

“Phichit told me about this really nice restaurant not far from here. We can walk.”

When Victor and Yuri appeared rather unenthused about the prospect, Otabek spoke up.

“I am hungry.” He said. “May I accompany you, Mr Katsuki?”

_Mr Katsuki? He’s so polite…_

Otabek was eyeing Yuri thoughtfully, and Yuuri held back a smirk.

**_And_ ** _clever. He wants Yuri to resolve his difficulties with Victor, but he knows Yurio won’t agree to eat dinner with us. Unless **he’s** coming. Yuri will have no choice, he’ll want to know what Victor and I say to Otabek in his absence. _

Maybe Otabek wasn’t as bad as Yuuri initially thought. He felt ashamed for jumping to conclusions. The male _hadn’t_ been corrupting Yuri behind everyone’s backs. He was a genuinely nice person, if a little rough around the edges.

“Of course.” Yuuri said with a pleased smile. “I’ve wanted to talk with you for a while now. Your routine was really good.”

“What about our reservations?” Yuri questioned, and Yuuri saw Victor gawk. He could practically read the man’s mind…

_Reservations? Alone? DATE!_

Victor was always jumping to conclusions.

“I think we’ll be late now.” Otabek pointed out, and Yuri winced. The argument had taken up too much time. “But I’d like to eat dinner with Mr Katsuki, if you don’t mind…”

He trailed off, and Yuri scowled, before nodding his head in consent. _“Fine._ But once we eat, we’re out of there. I still want to see that movie Mila mentioned…”

The two’s plans were definitely sounding like a date. Whether it was intended, or not.

And Victor was about to implode.

“Now that’s settled, let’s get going!” Yuuri encouraged. “I’m sure we’ll have a nice time.”

_“Doubtful.”_

The two Russian’s uttered, and Yuuri and Otabek exchanged exasperated looks.

 

* * *

 

 “Italian food has too many calories.” Yuri glowered down at the menu, nose crinkled delicately. “I’ll get fat, like you used to be, Katsuki.”

Yuuri gracefully ignored Yuri’s rude comment, skimming the menu himself.

“You can afford to treat yourself.” Otabek told Yuri sincerely. “You work so hard. You _deserve_ to have a little break.”

Much to Yuuri and Victor’s surprise, Yuri didn’t reply with a sarcastic quip, instead, his cheeks tinted pink, and he buried his face in the comprehensive menu to avoid replying.

Yuuri and Victor gave one another significant looks, and Yuuri leant in to whisper in his boyfriend’s ear. “Whether he knows it or not,” Yuuri started with another sigh. “I think Yurio has a teensy crush on Otabek. I don’t think we should call him out, but maybe…”

“Tell Otabek to leave him alone.” Victor concluded, and Yuuri shook his head rapidly.

_“No,_ Victor. Otabek hasn’t done anything wrong. If anything, he’s being very respectful to Yuri. I think we should just…” Yuuri gulped here, feeling a little daunted with his decision. He’d thought hard about what action to take on the walk to the restaurant, and _this_ had seemed the most logical. “ _Give him the talk._ ” Victor didn’t reply, and Yuuri hastened to justify himself. “If we object to his decisions, he’ll push us away. Do you really want this? We’re all in such a good place right now. It would be a shame to abandon that.”

He pulled back to let Victor think, and smiled at the two teenagers. Otabek was leaning in close to Yuri, making suggestions, and Yuri was keeping his eyes trained on the menu, his cheeks steadily flushing deeper. They hadn’t noticed Yuuri and Victor’s private exchange _at all_ , too caught up in one another.

“Decided yet?” Yuuri prompted.

“We’re going to keep it simple.” Otabek answered, after receiving a nod from Yuri. “Pizza.”

Out of all of the delicious and decadent dishes on the menu, Yuuri was surprised by the choice. He didn’t object, however. He wasn’t their _mother._

“Yuri’s never tried Italian pizza before.” Otabek explained with a wry grin. “He’s been missing out. It’s _much_ better than that American garbage.”

“It better be for the price.”

“Don’t worry, Yuri. I’ll pay. My treat.”

“You don’t have to…”

“I’ll pay.” Victor cut in curtly, emerging from his contemplation. “But before we order, I want to speak with you two about something.”

In tandem, the pair cocked their heads, and Yuuri relaxed.

Victor had made his decision, and was listening to his suggestion.

No matter how awkward the discussion may be, it was preferable to months of hostility. It would ease Victor’s mind, and Yuri would know how to proceed in the event of a sexual encounter. It wasn’t like the two older men could police him _all_ of the time. If Yuri wanted to do something, he would do it. He was too stubborn to convince otherwise.

“If this is another lecture. I’m out.”

“It isn’t a lecture, it’s a lesson.” Victor corrected, and he pulled his phone from his pocket, entering his passcode and accessing the internet. “Now, let’s see…”

 

* * *

 

“Sexual health is exceedingly important.” Victor said firmly, and Yuri shrunk further down his chair, mortified. He’d been unable to communicate outside of embarrassed squeaking since Victor had begun his lesson, and Yuuri worried he would slide from his seat completely. Otabek, however, appeared completely attentive, like a diligent student.

So far, Victor had gone over the essentials on penetrative and oral sex between a man and a woman, also taking the time to explain (in vivid detail) the process of impregnation, and why wearing condoms was important to prevent any ‘accidents’. Yuri had seemed okay as he spoke about these things (likely he already knew most of them) but when Victor had moved onto _homosexual sex,_ he’d blushed as bright as a tomato.

“Regular check-ups are not only recommended, but _necessary._ It is imperative any diseases or infections are picked up immediately, as early intervention is crucial in many cases. Now,” He peered at Yuri with the utmost severity. “Condoms. _Always._ Oral, anal, _whatever._ **_Condoms_**. No matter what position, _c **ondoms.**_ If I so much as suspect you’re fooling around without being safe, Yura, I will personally lock you into a chastity device for the rest of your days. **_Understand?”_**

“Victor,” Yuuri said soothingly. “I think you’re being a little intense. He’s only fifteen.”

“Nonsense.” Victor denied flippantly. “He needs to know these things.” Then, his gaze flitted to Otabek, who had started taking _notes_ on his napkin. **_“Both_** of them do.” He cleared his throat, and Yuri (who had buried his head in his hands at hearing the word ‘chastity’, looked up) the man fumbled for a moment with his wallet, before producing a condom packet. He ripped it open with his teeth, ignoring the appalled glares of the diners around him.

_“Oh God…”_ Yuuri muttered in Japanese, and took a slurp of champagne, straight from the bottle. It had been rapidly depleting since Victor’s ‘talk’ had begun.

Victor expertly pulled the condom from the packet, stretching it open without a care in the world. “Most condoms come slightly lubricated.” He said, and Yuuri grimaced at the squelching noise it made when he moved it. “Despite this, additional lubrication should be used for anal sex. **_Lube is everything._** Understand?” When neither of the teenagers replied, he said **_“Understand?”_** once again, with more tenacity. Both Yuri and Otabek nodded. “ _Da,_ that is good. Now, repeat after me, I find repetition is beneficial for remembering things, LUBE IS EVERYTHING.”

His raised voice made Yuuri wince, and he elbowed him sharply. “Victor. _Shush.”_

Fearing the man would repeat himself in a louder pitch, the two whispered “Lube is everything.”

“Louder. Enunciate clearer.”

“Lube is everything.”

“One more time.”

“Lube is everything!”

“Well done!” Victor praised, caught up in his coaching persona. “Lube _is_ everything. There is a great variety which can be picked up at a drug store of your choice. Yuuri and I often opt to experiment. It is important to note that using your tongue does _not_ count as adequate-“

“I think I’m going to be sick.” Yuri blurted, the red flush leeching from his face. “I can’t handle this anymore. I’ll never perform that routine again, alright _? Just stop talking about lube!”_

“Of course, you are right, Yuri. We have definitely discussed this enough. Let us now move on to applying the condom. Or, as many people joke, ‘don’t be a prick, wrap your dick’. There are many slogans of this variety that can be found online. When purchasing condoms, buy for your size. My size is-“

Yuuri elbowed Victor harshly, and the man cut himself off, sheepish.

“Unimportant.” He amended. “But _your_ size is. Also, don’t opt for the cheap kind.” Then, Victor picked up the champagne bottle Yuuri had been chugging from again. “For lack of any vegetables or fruit nearby, I will demonstrate applying a condom on this bottle. The more you practice, the better you will get.”

This time, Yuuri buried his face in his hands. He could hear the other patrons whispering, and knew it was only a matter of time before Victor’s odd behaviour drew unwanted attention. They’d likely be thrown out for behaving perverted in public…

Sure enough, half-way into Victor explaining about putting on condoms, a member of staff hesitantly came over. Yuuri heard her shaky voice address his boyfriend “Um, excuse me sir, I’m afraid you’ll have to stop doing that if you want to remain here. Also, you have failed to order any entrees or main meals since your arrival.”

“May we eat now?” Otabek requested courteously. “I think we have enough information to prepare us for sexual encounters. Thank you for your assistance, Mr Nikiforov.”

“But I still haven’t spoken about preparing the anus before-“

“I really think that’s enough.” Yuuri surfaced, cheeks red from a mixture of alcohol and embarrassment. “Otabek and Yuri are sufficiently educated. Right?”

“ _Da_ , yes.” Yuri assured desperately. “Please, no more.”

Victor thinned his lips, but nodded his assent. “Very well. The lesson is over. I hope you have both learned something.”

_“Da,_ never go out to dinner with you and Katsuki again.” Yuri grumbled, jabbing at what he wanted to order on the menu. “This is honestly the most embarrassing night of my entire life. Why are you two like this?”

Yuuri and Victor couldn’t resist smiling softly. “Because you are like our adoptive son.” Victor said, reaching across the table to ruffle Yuri’s blond locks teasingly. “And _someone_ needs to teach you the birds and the bees.”

Yuri batted Victor’s hand away, growling out rapid insults in Russian.

Yuuri took the incentive to order the rest of their meals, and was relieved when the waitress went away without further comment.

Otabek carefully poured himself a small glass of the champagne, and when Yuuri raised his eyebrows (the boy was underage, after all) the other skater just tapped at the detailed scrawling’s on his napkin in a weary fashion.

Yuuri gave an assenting nod, understanding. That Otabek…he was a keeper. Not every teenage boy would sit through Victor’s babbling about safe sex.

He must have really liked Yuri.

So Yuuri joined him, slopping himself another glass as he listened to the two Russians bicker.

**_His new family._ **

 

* * *

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Did I go overboard with the The Talk? Maybe. But for some reason I found the scenario so hilarious I couldn't stop myself from writing it. I hope you guys enjoyed. 
> 
> (Please) Review if you'd like. Tell me what you thought and all that shit. 
> 
> Hope ya'll are having a great day/night wherever you are!


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